sNIDe Remarks

Posted: Thursday, Jul 24, 2008 - 11:22:46 pm PDT
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Marty Fortier

'Green zone' ill-prepared for Fortier clan

This summer I took the family to the "big city" for a little vacation. Yep, we packed up the Ford Excursion, gave the guy at the Conoco station a gold bar to fill 'er up, and off we went.

Just like the old days. You pack up the family truckster and hit the open road. It's summer vacation time, everyone's doin' it, and I'm just like every other road warrior out there... right?

Well, apparently not in the No. 8 Greenest City, I'm not.

At first I thought it was just a bunch of frustrated commuters embarking on yet another daily grind. What are they looking at? Did I leave my turn signal on? Is my gas cap hanging off the side of the rig? Why are all these skinny people in little cars giving me the stink-eye?

And then it hit me like an SUV backing over a Mini Cooper. These "Greenies" think my Excursion Valdez and I are destroying the planet. And worse yet, putting their top 10 "Greenest City" ranking in jeopardy.

At a red light I asked the guy next to me if he knew where a gas station was. He snarled at me and said he wouldn't know because he just plugs his car in at night. Which I believe because I do the same thing with my cell phone and his car wasn't much bigger than my Crazer. It took me a while to find a gas station in the city, and when I did, the attendant thought I was delivering gas.

On the way to the hotel one guy shouted to me something about a hybrid. I said, "Yeah, I'm French and Irish, how did you know?"

Anyway, we finally made our way to the hotel -- which took forever because some guy told me to take a right at the Starbucks -- and when I pulled up to the front entrance three people with suitcases asked me if this was the shuttle to the airport.

"No," I said, "why do you ask?"

That's when one guy looked at the back of the rig and whispered to his friend, "Oh, he's from Idaho." And I'm pretty sure I overheard his wife say that I smelled like meat. Whatever that means.

After I dropped them at their flight, I took four people to the rental car depot and one lady to Tacoma. I appreciated the tips but they really didn't cover the gas. Especially since Rudy, the hotel's shuttle driver, made me split them with him.

The Excursion was too tall to fit in the hotel's underground parking garage so I was forced to find parking on the street. The wife and kids were sound asleep when I got back to the room -- which was good because I had to get up before 6 a.m. to move the truck anyway.

The next morning the clerk at the front desk finally relented and issued me a credit for the $20 per night parking fee. She didn't believe my "ride" wouldn't fit because she once saw a full-sized Saturn go in there. Luckily, Rudy the shuttle bus driver had gotten over his anger and vouched for me. After that I asked the desk clerk if we should walk or drive to the Space Needle. She said, "That depends."

"Oh," I said. "On whether or not we like the exercise?"

"No," she replied. "On whether or not you like the ozone layer."

We gassed-up and drove.

In fact we drove all over Seattle and parked in every damn compact car space we could find. In one particular parking lot, a concerned "greenster" asked me if I realized that that spot was for a compact car. I said, "Yeah. There is a compact car there. Right under my friggin' Excursion."

He was so mad at that I thought he was going to cough up a tofu burger and a couple of the 12 lattes he'd had that day.

After three days in the city it was time to go home. On the way out of town we stopped at my favorite gas station. That's when my luck turned. After I filled up, the clerk punched my frequent buyer card and informed me that the card was full and I was entitled to a free Slim Jim and a Slurpee. Yeehaw! What could be better than headin' back to Idaho with a stick of processed meat byproducts and a cup full of colored sugar?

When I crossed the state line and pulled off the highway for some under $4.50 gas, I thought about how glad I was to be out of that downtown traffic. While filling up, I decided to wash the windows and scrape the bugs off the Excursion's grille. I removed six butterflies, four bees, a Toyota Prius and two SmartCars.

Marty Fortier is a former advertising executive and current freelance writer. He is also co-creator of the Design Center in Hayden where he operates several retail businesses. Marty Fortier can be reached at: mbfortier@icehouse.net