Tyler Wilson

Posted: Thursday, Jul 24, 2008 - 11:22:47 pm PDT
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Tyler Wilson

The freaks come out at night

I'm not a gambling man, but I know a sure thing when I see one. Last week, reporter Tom Greene made the dumbest bet of his life, and I earned a free lunch.

Mr. Greene (a.k.a. America's Favorite Journalist) didn't think anybody would show up to the midnight screening of "The Dark Knight" wearing a superhero costume.

"This isn't Harry Potter," he said.

I don't normally test my manhood with silly bets. Next thing you know Greene will challenge me to an arm wrestling bout (I would totally win). But the stakes were too good to pass up. The loser would buy the winner lunch. That's an amazing prize when you live on Ramen noodles and macaroni.

As expected, the midnight screening at the Riverstone Cinemas was jam-packed. The line stretched around the corner, the teenagers were predictably rowdy and I had to work extra hard to control my social anxiety disorder.

When I spotted a super-fan in a Batman costume, my wife snapped a quick photo. I could already taste my free meal. I was thinking Subway, or Toro, or maybe even a Franklin's Hoagie. Oh boy!

I don't mean to gloat, but why would America's Favorite Journalist make such a knuckle-headed bet? Batman might be the most popular fictional character on the planet. He's been around a lot longer than some bespectacled wizard. And anyway, how often do comic book fanatics get the chance to geek out in such a public setting?

With the costume bet settled, I prepared myself for two and a half hours of cinematic brilliance. By the time we got through the front door, the five theaters screening "The Dark Knight" were already approaching capacity.

We managed to snag a couple seats in the front row. Normally a little close for comfort, but in a theater full of teenagers, it's the only row safe from the text-messaging nincompoops.

Just seconds before the previews, two young men dressed in (what I thought to be) penguin-costumes entered the theater. Not Danny DeVito penguin costumes. We're talking "Happy Feet" penguins.

Now in my review of "The Dark Knight," which was published July 19, I claimed these two penguins were "seat-stealing rabble-rousers." But according to an e-mail received by Mike Patrick, one of the penguins was actually a parrot. Here is part of the e-mail:

"My friend Penguin was there to calmly enjoy the midnight showing of one of the greatest action-hero movies of all time, when he was singled out and questioned by security guards after being falsely accused of stealing a seat. Due to the security guards' ignorance and prejudice, I too was questioned regarding the alleged seat stealing, but I soon pointed out the security guards' mistaken identity - being a parrot and not a penguin, I did not match the description given."

The "parrot" in question did not provide his real name.

So my mistake. The second guy was wearing a parrot costume--as if that's any better. But Bird No. 1 was definitely a penguin, and that penguin was involved in some kind of chair-related incident.

Now I can't confirm what seat, if any, was stolen. I only witnessed the tussle that followed, and this penguin brouhaha was one for the books. There was shoving. There was naughty language. I even saw spilled nachos!

Hey, I don't care what really happened. I'm just excited by the idea of a flightless bird kerfuffle (Word of the Week winner!) But lucky for everyone involved, no flippers were thrown, and the uproar soon dissipated. I can't say what happened when the situation moved to the lobby, because I'm not a very observant reporter. I'm there to review a movie, not get involved in some weird animal mating ritual.

Mr. Penguin and Mr. Parrot should be thankful that guy in the Batman costume didn't get involved. At the premiere of "The Dark Knight," you don't mess with the comic book geeks. You just might get a Batarang lodged in the back of your skull.

So I guess we'll never know the true story of the penguin seat-caper. Oh well. It's time to cash in that free lunch. Double or nothing... I bet somebody dresses up like David Duchovny at the "X-Files" screening.

Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.