sNIDe Remarks

Posted: Thursday, Aug 21, 2008 - 11:02:41 pm PDT
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Marty Fortier

Big foot in mouth

Every day some old lady gets swindled on some bogus real estate or insurance deal. And that's sad. It's also an example of a fraud where the perpetrator of the crime is deserving of a public stoning.

On the other hand, there is another type of fraud where the so-called victim deserves public scorn. A perfect example of this latter type of rip-off was played out on the airwaves this week when a California man purchased a Bigfoot corpse only to find out it was a gorilla suit stuffed with animal parts.

OK, so you're pushin' 90, your husband has long since passed away, and some slick-talkin', handsome young shyster -- always quick with a Biblical quote -- cons you into putting a down payment on some beach front property ... in Oklahoma.

All right, so it turns out it's a landfill and not a beach. But at least there is such a thing as a beach, you've probably seen countless pictures of a beach, your friends have told you fantastic stories about their times at the beach, and chances are you've actually been on a beach.

Yes, I want to live out my remaining years at the beach -- here's my life's savings. That's kinda different from a middle-aged man -- who, by the way, claims to be a Bigfoot expert -- forking out thousands of dollars for a dead Sasquatch and then gettin' his panties in a bunch when he finds out he's the proud owner of a real expensive monkey suit.

He said he was shocked that it was a hoax. Well, not nearly as shocked as I was watching a grown man on T.V. proclaim how shocked he was that his Bigfoot skin came from Zippy's Costumes, Magic, and Gag-Gifts store. Your natural first reaction when you hear about a purchase like this is disbelief, since no human being on the "good side" of a psychiatric diagnosis could be that stupid ... right?

And to make matters worse, this dude bills himself as a Bigfoot expert.

Yo, note to the self-proclaimed monkey maven: The expert on Brooklyn Bridges never bought one himself. Got it?!

Since this ignorant act "pegs" the stupid meter, the story is bound to get around the world. So here's another tip for the intellectually-challenged creature collector: If you get a call from a slightly tipsy guy with a Scottish accent and the sounds of a pub in the background, don't send him a cashier's check for his pet aquatic dinosaur. Besides, the shipping and handling alone would cost you a fortune.

I mean, the only way ... THE ONLY WAY ... this idiot who bought the fake Bigfoot could justify his purchase is if he rode up to the news conference on a unicorn holding a leprechaun. OK ... All right ... You've had success buying mythical creatures in the past, we'll give you a pass on this one.

Marty Fortier is a former advertising executive and current freelance writer. He is also co-creator of the Design Center in Hayden where he operates several retail businesses. Marty Fortier can be reached at: mbfortier@icehouse.net.