Grammar/Humor: MLP (never) walks into a bar

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Today’s dilemma, dear Readers, is whether to die laughing, or from the abject horror of these grammatic fauxs-pas:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally crashes into this insane bar and completely demolishes everything.

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute sentence fragment.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, knowing alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. (Oldie but goodie)

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars (thus entirely useless).

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as the desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar; the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

•••

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network with a lame sense of humor. Contact them at Sholeh@cdapress.com.

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