Playing five-dimensional chess for Greenland golf courses

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Jones

The president’s supporters have often claimed that Trump is playing three-dimensional chess while we mere mortals are only capable of comprehending checkers.

I was skeptical of this contention until the reports surfaced that Trump is hot to buy Greenland. The pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. Trump’s plan is mind-blowing — a strategy that could only have been developed by a super computer capable of five-dimensional chess or by that remarkable individual known as “the Chosen One.”

Trump has pretended all along that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. In actuality, he understands that the ice sheets at both poles and Greenland are melting to beat the band, which will raise the sea level around the world. He is likely aware of the Penn State researchers’ conclusion that the global sea level would rise about 24 feet if all of the Greenland ice were to melt. About 100 million people live in areas that would be flooded by a rise of 3 feet, but just think of the havoc and dislocation a 24-foot rise would cause.

So where are Trump’s golf courses located? A number of the trump-branded courses are within several long tee shots of those rising waters — Doral, Balmedie, West Palm Beach, Jupiter — others are close enough that they would be substantially affected. A normal person might guard against the threat of inundation by merely relocating the golf resorts to higher ground, but a stable genius would think far outside of the box and be light years ahead of us conventional thinkers.

The president has been planning all along to allow global warming to go unabated so that all of the Greenland ice will melt away. As the owner of Greenland, Trump can then develop the real estate where the ice had been with fantastic new golf resorts on what will come to be known as the “Trump Purchase.” True Genius!

Unfortunately, the Danish foreign minister has posed a temporary problem by throwing cold water (perhaps ice melt) on the president’s plan, claiming the island is not for sale. It is unlikely this will frustrate the brilliant scheme because Trump can impose crushing tariffs on that little nation until it relents, provided he can figure out what it exports to America. Our ace in the hole is that the person who Trump appointed as ambassador to Denmark, a former chiropractor and B-movie star (“Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell”), is on the case and likely to manipulate the body politic in that little country in favor of the deal.

Regrettably, the ice-melting project will entail some collateral damage. As the Greenland ice sheet disappears, large swaths of our coasts will become uninhabitable, but on the bright side most of those folks did not support Trump in the 2016 election. Another glitch is that much of the higher ground around the world will also become uninhabitable because of scorching heat and the inability to grow foodstuffs as a result of drought, torrential downpours, or other climate calamities.

The planet will become unfriendly to plants, animals and every other life form, except, perhaps, for the billionaire class. They may be able to survive in heavily-guarded, air-conditioned sanctuaries, which, of course, will be surrounded by impenetrable walls to keep the commoners out. They will be able to enjoy those wonderful golf courses on what might come to be known as Trumphaven, a last resort for the Chosen Few.

•••

Jim Jones is a newspaper columnist who previously served as Idaho Attorney General and as Chief Justice of the Idaho Supreme Court.

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